also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No subtext here. People are naked.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
