totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
