I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
