Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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