Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
