please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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