All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
