ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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