my vag is so smooth its legendary
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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