Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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