you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
