Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
