I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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