I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
