you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
