moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
