Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
...so i touched it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
