I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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