Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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