I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
