Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
