Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
