Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
