She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
