i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We need to get me chipped asap
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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