oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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