Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Shame - the story of my life.
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