I'm going to rape someone's good day.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
