I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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