Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
