Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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