A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
