Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
