Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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