so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
