Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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