You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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