I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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