I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
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