sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
