I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
