I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
