I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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