the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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