I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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