You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
