why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
