Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Found your dick twin last night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
50% drunk capacity currently
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
