STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
