I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
