I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
