You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
