last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize