Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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